Great Expectations - the fine line between hope and hurt

Source: Wix

As we build relationships, can we have meaningful bonds with no expectations at all? The short answer is no. Expectations are part of every relationship. Yet we often suffocate our relationships — whether it is with a parent, friend, child, or colleague — by placing unnecessary and unrealistic demands on others. These expectations often stem from insecurity, past experiences, and our personal values.

Some expectations can be healthy for a relationship, whereas some are unhealthy. For the safety and stability of a relationship, healthy expectations are paramount. These can be expectations of being treated with respect, honest communication, and emotional consideration. These expectations ensure that you are in a healthy relationship and not being taken advantage of, or drained out by the other person.

Unhealthy expectations, as the name suggests, offer disappointment and create pressure and strain in the long run. These can range from unrealistic expectations where one believes the other person should understand you by mind reading, never expecting change in the other person, and expecting one person to fill all your emotional needs. This can also mean that one elevates the person with whom you have any relationship to be the source of all your joy and pain. There is no need to give anyone that much importance that they feel that they are the sole reason for your existence. These unhealthy expectations are more about assumptions about the other person, which usually don’t go well.

Why do these unhealthy expectations feel so personal? It is mainly due to fear of being unloved or not being important to them. Fear that only you are invested in the relationship. Some past hurts that have never healed, and you just want to forget them by giving importance to this relationship. Fear of being ignored and loneliness.

So, how do we reduce unhealthy expectations and build towards healthy expectations?

• Ask yourself questions when expectations arise – these can range from “Am I expecting the other person to read my mind?”,” Am I expecting them to behave like me?”, “ Did I communicate my feelings clearly?” This helps in gaining clarity.

  
  

• Communicate efficiently – Sometimes, we fail to communicate our feelings clearly. This can create rifts and distance in relationships because we have not communicated our expectations clearly. Instead of “you don’t care about me,” which feels like an attack on the person, try “It would mean a lot if you would check on me”. This doesn’t feel like an attack but rather a fair chance.

  
  

• Every relationship is different – We can't expect all relationships to carry the same weight. Friends may not always be available, parents may not always be healthy enough to take care of you, and a child may not be emotionally mature enough to understand everything. Colleagues may be reliable but not emotionally connected. Family may care differently. Expecting the same approach from everyone will lead to frustration.

• Being responsible towards oneself – No need to expect everything from one person. Learning to self-soothe at times, as others won't be available to soothe you. But always understand that there is a difference between unrealistic expectations and tolerating unhealthy behavior. You don’t need to compromise on respect, boundaries, or emotional safety. Imperfections, differences in communication styles, and personality are something to be understood.

Relationships are all about understanding the bond rather than stifling it with unrealistic expectations. So, the next time you feel that someone has failed you, try to see if it was your version of them in your mind, or if it was something else.